All parents want their children to grow up and become productive, happy human-beings. We want our children to have equal opportunities, education, participation and, above all, success! Then why, more than any other time in our history, are their so many adult children living at home?
Recently, ScottCounseling received this Parenting Counselor email from a parent:
Dear ScottCounseling:
I have a twenty-five year old son who lives with my husband and me. We love him dearly, he causes no problems (does not use drugs or argue with us), but he has no interest besides playing video games, reading and meeting with a friend from time to time. My husband told him that he needs to get his life going. He works part time at a grocery store, but has no interest going back to school. Is this normal? He’s our only child, we want to be good parents, but it’s hard for us to tell him to move out.
ScottCounseling Response:
Dear Parent:
First of all, you are not alone with your concern, In fact, a famous television counseling figure, Dr. Phil, did several TV shows highlighting this topic. Dr. Phil surprised me and other American by sharing this startling statistic:
“Close to 14 million adult children in the U.S. are still living at home.”
During the 1960’s and 1970’s, it was a common parents’ b
elief that the responsibility of feeding, providing shelter and the basic necessities for a child’s life ends when the child graduates from high school. In the 1980’s, as more and more graduating high school students began entering college, many parents extended the stay of children at home, as long as they were attending college, or were searching for a full time job. In the 1990’s this all seemed to change; more and more adult children began living at home. Now, in the 2000’s, adult children not only think it’s appropriate, many believe that a parent is “mean” or “unfair” if they encourage their child to begin to take steps to move out and live on their own.
Potential Negative Effects of Allowing Adult Child to Live At Home
Low Self-Esteem: Children, who are allowed to experience independence and decision-making skills, whether the experience is positive or negative, also gain self-respect and build self-esteem.
Laziness: Most parents do not want to call or even begin to think that their child is “lazy.” The fact remains, however, that there is probably no better word to describe some of the 14 million adult children living at home, than LAZY! Webster Dictionary defines “lazy” as: “moving slowly and gently.”
Lack of Boundaries and Life Lessons: The majority of animals living on the planet Earth part ways with their offspring with relative ease and consistency. The behavior exhibited by these creatures living in the water, dry land and forest throughout the world is seen as perfectly normal and natural. Some animals (birds, for example), literally push their offspring out of the nest to promote independence. These established boundaries, set up by creatures far less intelligent than human-beings, do not avoid teaching their off-spring life lessons and boundaries that are often necessary for survival.
What Parents Can Do To Promote Independence
- As your child is growing up (Pre-school through high school), allow your child to fail as a part of succeeding. Failure often leads to new growth, change and development.
- Avoid allowing the child (at any age) to manipulate you. Set rules, boundaries and be consistent. Do not allow the child (at any age) to play the “victim;” one that pushes you into an uncomfortable state of emotional guilt. Share with your child that the decisions that you make are ones that will help them advance in life, and that their not much “advancement” taking place while living at home playing video games.
- Share with the adult child that you are placing them on a time table (one to two weeks) that they have to get a job, get an apartment and “get going!” At the very least, share with the adult child that they have the same time table to start paying room and board. What amount? Charge the same amount that it would cost for the adult child to rent an apartment and eat the current food that they are eating now.
College Parents: The majority of students attending college in the United States are paying for the majority of their own education. This is good! Not only will the adult child take college seriously, but the same adult child will gain an appreciation of self accomplishment, self reliance and self respect.
You can do this!
Sincerely,
Scott
ScottCounseling.com
Please help me or give me advice how to deal with my very lazy teenage daughter.