Dating After Divorce: How Does it Affect Children?

2008 January 28 by: Scott

Divorce is often hard on children. Most children, with love and guidance, survive a divorce. But, what about one or both parents beginning to date again after the divorce? Child psycholgy and child development advocates have written numerous articles regarding this issue. Author and mother, Marion Winik, shares some very frank and open thoughts about single parent moms entering the dating scene again.

Dating Do’s and Don’ts For Parents

For five years, I was a single mother with two boys. And even though I was lucky enough to have a steady guy (a single dad) in the picture, questions came up all the time. Was it okay for all of us to sleep over at one of our houses? Should we take vacations together? When this relationship ended and another one began a few months later, I was in uncharted waters again.

Based on these experiences and the advice of JoAnn Magdoff, a psychotherapist in private practice in New York, I came up with ten rules for single moms. If you’re dating—or want to be but feel nervous about it—keep these tips in mind.

1. You make the rules. Many people seem to have an opinion about single mothers, and their advice when it comes to your private life is: Take up needlepoint. Forget them. A single mother can date, seriously or casually. A single mother can be seen out dancing on a Saturday night. A single mother can even have sex!2. Nobody loves a parade.It’s not necessary to introduce your kids to every guy who takes you to a movie. Wait until you’re secure in the relationship before you let your kids perceive someone as “Mommy’s boyfriend.” Have a reliable sitter lined up, suggests Magdoff, so you don’t end up bringing children along before you’re ready.3. Don’t lean too hard too soon. Resist the temptation to make the new guy a parenting helper right away, adds Magdoff. Until you’ve actually decided that the time is right, don’t ask him to pick up your daughter from ballet just because it’s on his way over for dinner. “Hold back,” Magdoff says. “Don’t have him take on parenting roles until it feels stupid not to. When all three of you are saying, ‘But ballet class is right by his office,’ then it’s time.”4. Nothing but the truth. While discretion is recommended, lying and sneaking are not. If you think extramarital sex is okay, when questions arise you should be able to explain to your children (in an age-appropriate manner) why and under what conditions. If you can’t, then don’t do it. Behave as you want your kids to when they reach early adulthood.

5. Have your priorities straight. Keep your hormones in check when making decisions. Maybe it’s more important for you to be at the school basketball playoffs than away for the weekend with your beau. But on the other hand:6. Don’t be a martyr. Magdoff warns against using your kids as an excuse to avoid intimacy—putting them between you and your social life. In other words, sometimes the weekend away is more important than the basketball game.7. When you’re out, be out. One way single mothers sabotage relationships and act out their guilty feelings, Magdoff adds, is by talking about their children constantly while on a date. “Five minutes max,” she says.