Divorce is often hard on children. Most children, with love and guidance, survive a divorce. But, what about one or both parents beginning to date again after the divorce? Child psycholgy and child development advocates have written numerous articles regarding this issue. Author and mother, Marion Winik, shares some very frank and open thoughts about single parent moms entering the dating scene again.
Dating Do’s and Don’ts For Parents
For five years, I was a single mother with two boys. And even though I was lucky enough to have a steady guy (a single dad) in the picture, questions came up all the time. Was it okay for all of us to sleep over at one of our houses? Should we take vacations together? When this relationship ended and another one began a few months later, I was in uncharted waters again.
Based on these experiences and the advice of JoAnn Magdoff, a psychotherapist in private practice in New York, I came up with ten rules for single moms. If you’re dating—or want to be but feel nervous about it—keep these tips in mind.
1. You make the rules. Many people seem to have an opinion about single mothers, and their advice when it comes to your private life is: Take up needlepoint. Forget them. A single mother can date, seriously or casually. A single mother can be seen out dancing on a Saturday night. A single mother can even have sex!2. Nobody loves a parade.It’s not necessary to introduce your kids to every guy who takes you to a movie. Wait until you’re secure in the relationship before you let your kids perceive someone as “Mommy’s boyfriend.” Have a reliable sitter lined up, suggests Magdoff, so you don’t end up bringing children along before you’re ready.3. Don’t lean too hard too soon. Resist the temptation to make the new guy a parenting helper right away, adds Magdoff. Until you’ve actually decided that the time is right, don’t ask him to pick up your daughter from ballet just because it’s on his way over for dinner. “Hold back,” Magdoff says. “Don’t have him take on parenting roles until it feels stupid not to. When all three of you are saying, ‘But ballet class is right by his office,’ then it’s time.”4. Nothing but the truth. While discretion is recommended, lying and sneaking are not. If you think extramarital sex is okay, when questions arise you should be able to explain to your children (in an age-appropriate manner) why and under what conditions. If you can’t, then don’t do it. Behave as you want your kids to when they reach early adulthood.
5. Have your priorities straight. Keep your hormones in check when making decisions. Maybe it’s more important for you to be at the school basketball playoffs than away for the weekend with your beau. But on the other hand:6. Don’t be a martyr. Magdoff warns against using your kids as an excuse to avoid intimacy—putting them between you and your social life. In other words, sometimes the weekend away is more important than the basketball game.7. When you’re out, be out. One way single mothers sabotage relationships and act out their guilty feelings, Magdoff adds, is by talking about their children constantly while on a date. “Five minutes max,” she says.
8. Don’t succumb to pressure. My long-term relationship was a lot more than dating and a lot less than marriage—and was sometimes a little difficult to explain to outsiders. But it was right for me and my kids at the time. I did what I thought best, and that’s why I have no regrets. 9. Leave when it’s time. One of the more trying moments in a single mother’s life is splitting up with someone her kids care about. I know women who have stayed in iffy relationships “for the kids.” This makes even less sense when you’re not married. Change and loss are part of life, things everyone has to deal with. If a particular bond is really strong, perhaps there’s a way for that adult and child to maintain a connection.10. Expect resistance. Magdoff says, “Lots of times women are dating perfectly nice guys and their kids are horrible to them, especially if it’s the first guy after the divorce or the first one you get serious about.” One articulate ten-year-old Magdoff knows admitted to his mother: “It’s not Bill who’s the problem—I like him. It’s you. I used to have you all to myself, and now I have to share you.” Acknowledge and accept kids’ feelings. Say, “I love you as much as ever, but sometimes I’m not here when you want me to be. I like to spend time with my friends, just like you do.” Don’t let your kids control you—or try and force them to like the guy, either.
I didn’t introduce my son to my boyfriend, until recently, and we’ve been dating for eight months. We purposely did this because my ex moved his mistress and her two kids into his home and that was devastating to my twelve year old son. My boyfriend wants to take it slowly in building a relationship with my him. I don’t let my boyfriend sleep over and I see him when my son is at his dad’s. We have taken a couple of short trips together (me and my boyfriend). However, my son says he doesn’t like him. I suspect this is normal. Is is possible he will come around? Would it be okay to go bowling together, so they can get to know one another?
Suzanne:
Thanks for visiting ScottCounseling.com and thank you for your questions?
Your 12 year old son will one day appreciate your caring and thoughtful parenting. It’s true that children are resilient and that they come begin to accept their environment for what it is. However, it sounds like your new friend wants to proceed with some caution and empathy…good for him, and great idea! The fact that he respects your son’s feeling, along with your loving concerns, strengthens the the relationship of everyone involved.
Yes, ask your son if he wants to go bowling with with you and your friend. If he says “no,” continue to be patient.
Scott
ScottCounseling.com
What a fantastic article! I enjoyed it and will recommend your advice and site to my readers and listners!
IWOULD LIKE TO KNOW IF WHAT WE ARE DOING IS WRONG
I have a 2 year old and a 4 year old I have been divorced about a year and started dating a friend I have had for several years, we have been dating for over 6 months and he has met my kids. The kids love him and he respects my children and my time with my children. He respects that he is not “daddy” they have a father and he accepts that fully. The situation has been going great for the most part he only sees them maybe 4 times a month. My family on the other hand is not very happy about him being around my kids. they think its too soon and that the kids have been through enough with the divorce and everything. Which I agree the kids of course went through more than either me or my ex husband combined. They lost the unity of their parents and I fully understand that they have been through a lot. My boyfriend and I are not romantic infront of the kids he basically co-exists as a friend around for a little bit here and there to play and spend some time with us. He takes no responsibility for my kids at all, thats what Im there for as their mother. Am I in the wrong to have him around my children this soon??? We both definitely feel a connection and commitment for the long haul and a future together. I have my kids about 75% of the time and my children always come first. Im confused on who is right in this situation if I keep things light and mainly platonic around the kids being so young still. Your advice would be great either way! Thank you