Death: Helping Children Cope With Grief and Loss
2008 March 27 by: ScottBelow are some skills to consider as you or your child begins the healing process after a loss:
· Just be you! Accept the feelings that you have while going through the loss and begin to accept you for who you are at this time.
· Don’t try to keep it all together. Let others help with chores, cooking, doing laundry or just let “stuff” sit for a while.
· Sometimes doing nothing is the best thing to do. That’s right- do nothing! Don’t try to fix it. What you are going through is normal.
· If you or your child needs mental health help, get it! It’s call “mental health” because you do things to get your mind healthy again. A good place to start is with your medical doctor or your insurance company. If you do not have either of these sources, go to your phone book and contact a crisis health center and they will get you moving in the right direction.
· It’s okay to cry! Cry if you can. Cry alone or cry with a friend. Most people report that they feel better after they cry due to a loss.
· Talk to someone. Be with people who care about you. Talk to a friend, religious figure, parent or another adult. Kids can talk to another kid if a parent or adult is present.
· Take care of yourself! Bigger losses cause a hard drain on our bodies and mind. We often use a lot of energy. We need to regain this energy by eating food. Eat healthy (fruits, vegetables, lean meats and whole breads are good energy foods). Talk to your medical doctor about eating to replenish your energy.
· Time needs to pass. Let it pass! Remember, bigger losses, such as a death, require larger amounts of time to heal.
· Religion has helped many people get through their loss. Begin to accept the loss that you cannot control and turn it over to a spiritual force that you believe in. Many religions teach and use prayer as a means of coping. Seek help from your individuals who have been trained in your faith to help you or your child through a loss.
· Be positive and optimistic. Tell yourself and your child “we can make it through this. We have made it through other tough situations we will make it through this loss too.
· Be nice to yourself. If your child is going through a loss, be a comforter. Make a favorite meal. Go see a happy movie. Be complimentary. Take a warm bath. Take a nap. Rub your child’s back. Let your child rub your back. Say, “I love you.”
· If the loss is a death and the child or you don’t feel that you had a chance to say “good-bye,” write a letter that expresses your (or the child’s) feelings. Have a ceremony that honors the person (or thing) that is no longer a part of your life. Planting a tree in memory of the loss has comforted some people. Others make donations of time or money to an organization that they believe in to represent the person who past away.
· Make a scrapbook depicting the memories of your loss. Have your child draw pictures, write stories, and tell stories of the positive moments that were shared before the loss occurred.
Moving On
After you or your child experienced a loss, experienced grief and established coping mechanism to help you get through the grieving process, it’s time to get life going again. The “moving on” process is important and okay to begin after one has sufficiently grieved. The amount of time it takes to go from one process to the next will vary from individual to individual. If you are working with your child who has experienced a loss, you can tell if the child is ready to move on by letting them experience one or more of the possibilities listed below. If the child is not ready to “move on” then slow down and continue with some of the ideas presented in the previous paragraphs.
DO NOT “MOVE ON” JUST TO ESCAPE YOUR GRIEF! Move on to get things going again in a health manner.
1. If your child lost a friend due to a move, help your child make new friends as you make new friends too. Modeling this behavior in front of your child will help your child feel secure by following your example. Don’t expect the new friend to take the place of the lost friend, but tell your child to focus on what’s good about having a “new” friend.
2. Get you and your child involved in new, fun (non-stressful) activities. Provide your child with lots of options. Let your child pick the activity. Inform the leader(s) of the activity selected the issues facing your child so that they can be encouraging and helpful.
3. If you or your child is facing hard times due to a move, share with your child the positive “new things” and “opportunities” that come with change. Change can be exciting, but scary at the same time. Ask your child how he or she is feeling about the change. Asking helps your child to feel safe. Let the child know that you will be there to discuss their feelings when they need to talk. Inform the school, church and other activities that your child participates in how your child is feeling.
4. Believe in yourself and believe in your child. “We can do this!” is the attitude that you want to display. Smile, be positive and share positive thought. Don’t look at what can’t be done, but all the possibilities of success. Keep trying and don’t give up!
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Comment by Elaine Williams—March 28, 2008 @ 8:39 am