Parenting life coach, Barbara Desmarais, shares her thought and experiences in coaching children to follow directions, be respectful and cooperate. Children are not much different than adults. When we have to follow orders that are barked out, not understood or thought to be unfair, we rebel. This article provides some parenting tips to help you work with an uncooperative child.
“I don’t have to do it!”
In speaking with parents a comment I frequently hear is “My child won’t listen!” Repeated attempts in trying to get a child to co-operate often lands on deaf ears and leaves parents feeling exhausted and helpless. Frequently we say things we later regret and become riddled with guilt. Usual attempts often include nagging, yelling, spanking, time out, lecturing and threats. Despite consistently not getting the results we’re looking for, we resort to the same methods time and time again. We usually use what we were taught to use by our own parents. Although we often resolve to ourselves that we will do things differently and not resort to some of their methods of parenting, we do. It seems to be automatic. This is not intended to be an article about blaming our parents, rather an understanding of why we do what we do and provide some alternative responses. There were no parenting courses for our parents and they all did the best they knew how.
Consider for a moment your own internal response when someone you know demands that you do something or that you to stop doing something. For the most part, we instantly become defensive and decide that we’ll do as we please. We feel robbed of our power and control. We often feel attacked and want to attack back. Children have the same internal response when we use a hostile tone of voice and demand that something be stopped or that something be accomplished.
ruining my child — 0 seconds ago
I am a single mom, and in a shared 50/50 custody arrangement with an uncooperative, irresponsible ex. My child is 4 years old, and I have watched her behavior and personality deteriorate since this arrangement was enforced over two years ago. I am reaching the end of my rope as I have very little control over the way my daughter is disciplined. She is spending time in two entirely different environments in which there is no consistency and her father will not cooperate or even speak civilly to me so that we can tackle her behavioral problems together. I am noticing in the last several months that my patience wears thin much more regularly than it used to. Against my own beliefs, I have begun to spank my daughter, and I yell more than I used to or ever wanted to. I feel terrible about it- all the time. But she only obeys me when I yell, and I just don’t have the energy or mental capacity anymore to do the things I used to (distractions, time outs, counting to ten). Nothing works and my relationship with my daughter is getting bad. I am afraid of scarring her for life, and I want this to stop, but I don’t know how or what to do. The worst thing is, I only have her 3 to 5 days a week, depending on which week it is, so strategies I try to instill good behavior are always undone… she has no consistency or stability, and there is nothing I can do about it. I love her so much, and I’m messing up really bad. I have to learn to be a better mother.
D, have you ever considered working with a coach or a counselor? Sometimes when we’re too close to the situation we can’t see things objectively. It sounds like your daughter is paying a price for the friction between you and her father. She’s only 4, so it’s not too late to turn things around. There are lots of resources available to help you through this difficult time.
My 6yr old son went through the same exact situation. The fact of the matter is the the rotating custody is there to stay for a while so you have to make the best of it for your daughters sake. I explained to my son “house rules” when he is at his & Mommy’s house. I wrote them down so he could understand, and the rules are on the fridge. The last rule is “dance everyday” to keep it fun. He has a calander on his bedroom door and receives a sticker (which is $1 allowance) for every day he doesn’t break the rules. He loves the responsibility! But this also shows our very smart yet young babies boundries. They need to understand what is acceptable and what isn’t. I told my son “Daddy has his rules and Mommy has hers when you are at “our” home”. My son told me Dad doesn’t have rules. Ok, well Mom does and here they are. There may not be consistancy with the differences of Mom’s and Dad’s house but at least you will set boundries for her at your house. And be sure to always say “our” home, not Mom’s house. If your ex can’t speak civil to you, he probably says horrible things about you to your daughter. Be honest with her (age appropriate) or she will believe everything her dad says and begin to blame you for not being with her daddy anymore (my personal experience). My son rarely will ask questions about his dad and my relationship but when he does, I know something is bothering him and I am, now, as honest as can be. Most said “daddy and I yell at each other too much so we don’t want to live together but we both love you very much”. Oh how it sucks to bite our tongue but it is for the kids sake, right. Remember, Mommy’s boundries. You are in control. You can’t change what dad does or says, unfortunately. Once you accept this you will be on your way to a fab relationship with your daughter.