Simply by rephrasing our request and using a more positive tone we can often get the result we’re looking for. If children don’t feel attacked there is less of a need to become defensive and if they feel they can hold on to some power there is less of a need to gain power. “Stop that right now!!” can be rephrased to: “As soon as you stop doing that, I’ll know you’re ready to go the park.” “Pick up your toys right now or they’re all going into the garbage!!!” can be changed to: “I need you to pick up your toys before you watch your program. I can help. Do you want to pick up the lego or the cars?” “Get into the car right now!!!” can be changed to: “We need to go out in the car now. What toy do you want to bring with you?” When attempting to get your child to pick up toys, without raising your voice you can try saying: “As soon as you’ve put your train set away, I’ll know you’re ready for your snack.” Also, a “no!” response to a child can often be turned into a “yes”. “Can I have a cookie?” Instead of saying no you can say: “Yes, as soon as we get home, or as soon as you’ve finished your lunch, or later this afternoon…” Nagging and lecturing as a way to engage a child is almost guaranteed to evoke a defiant response. It’s seen as a form of attack which makes us all; young and old respond defensively.
Children will learn to respect us more when we show respect towards them. They also learn how to show respect towards
others. Do you sometimes hear yourself when overhearing your child playing with another child? I’ve often heard parents say: “Oh my gosh! She sounds just like me!” Often times, we don’t like what we hear but we can choose to use what we hear out of our of children’s mouths as an opportunity to make some positive changes to our parenting. Children are great mimics. If we want them to treat others respectfully, we first of all have to model respect.
By no means does this mean allowing them to do as they please or condoning unacceptable behavior. They need strongly defined limits but within those limits we need to allow them to make acceptable choices. Strongly defined limits means establishing simple, enforceable rules, deciding on appropriate consequences for misbehaviors and following through, and being consistent.
others. Do you sometimes hear yourself when overhearing your child playing with another child? I’ve often heard parents say: “Oh my gosh! She sounds just like me!” Often times, we don’t like what we hear but we can choose to use what we hear out of our of children’s mouths as an opportunity to make some positive changes to our parenting. Children are great mimics. If we want them to treat others respectfully, we first of all have to model respect.
By no means does this mean allowing them to do as they please or condoning unacceptable behavior. They need strongly defined limits but within those limits we need to allow them to make acceptable choices. Strongly defined limits means establishing simple, enforceable rules, deciding on appropriate consequences for misbehaviors and following through, and being consistent.
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May 23rd, 2008 at 1:02 pm
ruining my child — 0 seconds ago
I am a single mom, and in a shared 50/50 custody arrangement with an uncooperative, irresponsible ex. My child is 4 years old, and I have watched her behavior and personality deteriorate since this arrangement was enforced over two years ago. I am reaching the end of my rope as I have very little control over the way my daughter is disciplined. She is spending time in two entirely different environments in which there is no consistency and her father will not cooperate or even speak civilly to me so that we can tackle her behavioral problems together. I am noticing in the last several months that my patience wears thin much more regularly than it used to. Against my own beliefs, I have begun to spank my daughter, and I yell more than I used to or ever wanted to. I feel terrible about it- all the time. But she only obeys me when I yell, and I just don’t have the energy or mental capacity anymore to do the things I used to (distractions, time outs, counting to ten). Nothing works and my relationship with my daughter is getting bad. I am afraid of scarring her for life, and I want this to stop, but I don’t know how or what to do. The worst thing is, I only have her 3 to 5 days a week, depending on which week it is, so strategies I try to instill good behavior are always undone… she has no consistency or stability, and there is nothing I can do about it. I love her so much, and I’m messing up really bad. I have to learn to be a better mother.
June 10th, 2008 at 11:29 pm
D, have you ever considered working with a coach or a counselor? Sometimes when we’re too close to the situation we can’t see things objectively. It sounds like your daughter is paying a price for the friction between you and her father. She’s only 4, so it’s not too late to turn things around. There are lots of resources available to help you through this difficult time.