Handling Children’s Feelings in Public Places

2008 January 28 by: Scott

“OK, but what do I do when my child falls apart in the supermarket aisle, or at the grandparents’ house?”

• Spend one-on-one time with your child before you take him to a public place, so that you and he are connected with each other before heading into a challenging situation. Then, stay connected. Use eye contact, touch, your voice, and short spurts of attention to keep him in the orbit of your love. This contact is deeply reassuring, and can sometimes defuse situations that your child often finds difficult.

• When you see an upset brewing, make contact right away. See if you can find a way to play, so that your child can laugh. Laughter relieves children’s tensions, and allows them to feel more and more connected. If, when you make contact, your child begins to cry or tantrum, do what you can to allow him to continue. His upset will heal if the feelings are allowed to drain.

• Slow down the action, and listen. If getting into the car seat has triggered tears, then stay there, seat belt not yet done, and let the tears flow. Listen until he is done. Because of this cry, your whole day, and his, will improve.

• If necessary, move to a more socially acceptable place. Go to the back bedroom, or move your grocery cart out the exit to the sidewalk. Do this as calmly as you can. Your child isn’t doing anything wrong. It’s sort of like a car alarm going off accidentally—loud, but not harmful to anyone. These things happen!

• Plan what you will say to people who express their opinions or concern. It’s hard to come up with a comment that says, “We’re OK—don’t worry!” in the middle of wild things happening, so think ahead. You can adopt some phrase like, “We seem to be having technical difficulties,” or, “My daughter really knows how to wail!” or, “It’s that kind of a day!” or, “After he’s finished, it’s my turn!” or simply, “We’re OK. I don’t think this will last all day.” A comment like this reassures others, and gives the message that you are in charge.

As one parent I know put it, “I’ve finally figured out that it’s my job to set a limit when he’s going “nuts,” and it’s his job to get the bad feelings out. As I listen to him, people might not be able to tell that I’m doing my job and he’s doing his, but at least I know that’s what’s going on.”