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I was so happy the day I married my husband. We were both sparkling eyes and hearts full of love. We swore to be together forever and we meant it.
Cut to 11 years later. Every day I ask myself how to save marriage from divorce. We hardly ever talk or see each other. A silent anger is between us all the time. We never spend family time together. I am always suspicious that he is cheating, he always complains and nothing I do is good enough. My children notice this and seem so sad.
Things look hopeless and divorce is definitely lurking around in the corners. How could this have happened to us? What did I do wrong? Who is to blame? How can I save my marriage from divorce?
As these questions took hold of my thoughts and depression slowly took over me, I decided not to give up. I started looking for help because I knew we can’t survive this marriage crisis alone. After a long search and a many mistakes (mainly due to questionable advice on the internet), I finally found the last relationship advice book I’ll ever read. Implementing the exact steps given to me in this book literally saved my marriage.
I want to share 3 golden ways to save your marriage – All of them taken from this book. I hope it helps you as it did me:
1. Stop Asking What’s Wrong and How To Fix It
A common and very human mistake we all make is always looking for what is wrong and how can we fix it. Why can’t we get things right again? why can’t we get back to the way we used to be? Why did he cheat on me?
There’s nothing wrong in finding the weak spots in your relationship and working to better them somehow, but focusing on the bad things in your marriage has its price: It puts an emphasis on the marriage crisis, it makes you feel that things are hopeless and it’s a shaky foundation for rebuilding your relationship. So, what’s the uncommon way to deal with this?
Focus on the positive aspects of your marriage. Take a trip down memory lane: try to remember happy times, loving moments that you shared together. Look at pictures of you on a trip together, smiling and touching.
Remember why he became your best friend. Is he the only one that knows your deepest fear because he’s the only one you’ve shared it with? Does he have the same sense of humor as you? Write down all the qualities of your spouse and your marriage. This will remind you the foundation of your marriage and how you can both be happy together.
2. Feel Angry, But Keep Your Cool
When your marriage is in crisis, anger becomes your companion. How many times have you experienced feeling Boiled over in rage over something your spouse said or did? How many times have you responded angrily at how irresponsible he has behaved?
Feeling angry is understandable, and venting your anger can even strengthen your communication. But acting angry will only make things worse and cause more problems than you started out with. So, what’s the uncommon way to deal with this?
Identify your anger point – Identify the point when you decide to become angry. There is such a point and if you stop and think for a second – you will find it. Now – consciously decide to respond without the anger. Express your feelings. Start with “I am angry because I feel…” instead of “I am angry because YOU…”
Change your approach – Before telling him off, remind yourself that you are talking to your best friend, not your enemy. Only then start talking.
3. The Critical Ingredient In Saving Your Marriage
While these 2 pieces of advice are very helpful, you probably know that it won’t be enough. The critical ingredient in how to save marriage from divorce is…HELP.
You can’t do this alone and you can’t do this with only your spouse and some random advice from your girlfriends. You need professional help.
I couldn’t afford going to marriage counseling so I had to fins an alternative. Finally I found this book, from which I shared this advice with you. I learned about the #1 predictor of divorce, I learned new ways to connect emotionally, how to rebuild the respect and the honesty, how to heal after a fight and how to open up without getting hurt. It was a life saver for our marriage and we didn’t have to spend endless hours searching for a good therapist that will actually help (I hear so many stories about counseling that didn’t help) or spend half our saving on counseling sessions.