Why Does My Child Lie?

Believe it or not, children learn to lie.  Lying is a learned skill. It is most often done to avoiding blame or punishment. Lying may also take place by children who may have a poor self-image or low self-esteem. While all children lie, some do it much more than others. Child psychologist and child behavior experts who study lying have found patterns that help predict which children will lie the most. 

Those predictors often include:

• Low self-esteem
• Fear of failure
• Fear of punishment
• Fear of disappointing someone they respect
• Fear of not reaching an expectation or goal often set by someone else
• Desire to obtain a higher social status
• A method to control or manipulate
• A sudden or traumatic change in the family structure: death, divorce, moves etc.

How a Parent Should Respond To a Lying Child

Children who are chronic or habitual liars often don’t feel good about themselves. Repeated lying can be a sign of several underlying problems, each of which requires a different response from parents.
Example One:
A child is asked to complete a chore.  The child does not complete the chore so the parent punishes the child- “No friends over this afternoon!”  Next week the parent asks the child, “Did you complete the chore?”  The child, who forgot to complete the chore because of numerous distractions, lies to the parent to avoid another punishment.  The child then completes the chore without the parent realizing the child was not honest.  The lie works.  No punishment.  The child just learned to avoid punishment by telling a lie!

Example Two:
A child is asked to complete a chore: 
Dad: “Sam, sometime between 10:00-11:00 a.m., can you empty the dishwasher?”
Sam: “Can I do it after I finish talking to Joe?”
Dad: “Sure, but it’s important that you finish by 11:00 a.m.  Your mom is having friends over.”
Sam: “O.k.”
Sam forgets to complete the chore. Sam’s dad empties the dishwasher.  Later in the day, Sam asks if dad will drive him to Joe’s house to watch a movie.  Dad says:  “I can’t bring you over there today Sam, I got too warn down emptying the dishwasher.”  Dad walks away.  Dad did not give Sam a chance to lie.

Other Strategies To Prevent Lying

• Hold a discussion with your child and share with them the importance of telling the truth.  Let the child know that you when you have to use discipline, that you are doing so to help the child to be responsible. 
  Let the child know that you love him or her no matter what he or she does wrong.  
• If lying has become a habit for your child, the parent needs to challenge the child immediately in a calm, business-like manner and present the evidence of facts to the child.  It’s important that the child sees the parenting responding in a calm, controlled manner.  Avoiding or denying that your child has a problem not telling the truth will only strengthen the child boldness to tell greater lies in the future.