Making Teens Accountable: Teen Family Contract

2008 May 07 by: Scott

A copy of the blank contract should be given to every person who will ultimately be signing the contract, including the teens and preteens, for them to fill out with rules, consequences and rewards they feel are appropriate for the Home Rules Contract. Teens who feel that they are being heard by their parents and are allowed to participate in this process are far more likely to be compliant than those who are handed a set of rules and told “Do it or else.” Parents are often amazed at what rules the teens think they should be following and at the severity of punishments they assign for themselves. Many parents have had to actually decrease the punishments that the teen has stated he or she should have for not following certain rules. Other parents have found that their kids will think of very important items that they, the parents, didn’t even consider or overlooked. When kids contribute significantly to a good working contract, their contributions should be openly acknowledged and/or praised. It should be cautioned that parents should go over their childrens’ suggestions alone, before presenting them to the family, and they should eliminate those suggestions which are made with the sole intent of belittling other family members with whom siblings making the suggestions are not getting along.

Sometimes your teen will refuse to participate, and if that’s the case, then you may let him know that this contract will be implemented with or without his cooperation, and if he makes the choice not to participate, you fully intend to follow the contract to the letter. If he ultimately doesn’t like something that is put in the contract, then that will be his problem because he didn’t participate in writing it. Again, the participation of each person in the family who will be involved, if at all possible, is vital to the success of your contract, but don’t allow yourself to be undermined by a teen who is threatening noncooperation!

Your final contract should be the results of negotiation and compromise, taking everybody’s ideas into consideration. If the whole idea of a Home Rules Contract threatens to break down when an agreement cannot be reached between two or more parties, particularly parents, the entire family should strongly consider visiting a social worker or family therapist, even if only for one visit, to get an objective third party to help break the log jam and create a Home Contract that everybody can live with. However, some items should not be negotiable, such as a teen demanding a curfew that is later than what the law in your area would allow for his or her particular age group.

Appropriate Consequences?

Parents should provide progressive consequences for refusal to follow rules and directions. Unfortunately, some parents, in an effort to “get tough” on their wayward teen, will go overboard and ground the child for weeks and weeks for a single incident. The rationale behind punishment should be primarily to offer an unpleasant learning experience so that the teen will learn to correct his own behavior and not repeat the offending action. For most teens, a punishment that consists of weeks of grounding on a first offense is too long and will cause further resentment rather than be a learning experience for the teen.

Creating a Teen Family Contract

1. Identify at least five problem behaviors that you feel need to be improved. These behaviors could be priorities, and some should be related to the behaviors that are causing the most problems, i.e., legal problems, school problems, or medical problems (such as illness due to drug abuse or an overdose, or medication compliance issues if the teen is on psychiatric medications such as Ritalin).

2. Specifically identify what the expectation is for each behavior.

Be clear and concise when identifying expectations so that there is no chance for a teen to tell you he or she didn’t understand the expectation.
* Example: Teen will attend all therapy sessions, including weekly individual and weekly family therapy, and teen will take medication as prescribed).

3. Specifically state what the privileges and consequences will be when a teen is either following the rules or chooses to break the rules.
These privileges and consequences should be natural and logical. In other words, when possible, set a consequence that is related to the misbehavior. Be sure you, the parent, are willing and able to enforce the consequences that you set or your contract will be worthless.

Example (for the expected behavior listed above):
* Consequence: Teen will not be given any privileges until he complies
(car, phone, TV, radio, going out with friends, etc.) THIS IS NOT NEGOTIABLE.
* Privilege: Teen will earn parents’ trust and be better equipped to cope with stresses.

4. Set a date that the contract may be revised and/or negotiated.
Renegotiation is based on the amount of progress. Inform teen that he/she may earn more or fewer privileges based on behavior in the interim. Encourage dialogue with your teen regarding privileges he or she may want to earn in the future.

5. VERY IMPORTANT - Consult with other parental figures to make sure that
ALL ARE IN AGREEMENT AND WILLING TO ENFORCE THE CONTRACT AS WRITTEN.
If parental figures do not agree on some of the items, it is imperative to make the necessary revisions to come to an agreement. Again, a qualified therapist may be able to help you get over the hurdles of differing opinions.

Other Items that Might be Included in a Teen Family Contract

A Sample Contract with three items is included below. The items below are only suggestions to get you started. Parents must take their own individual circumstances and priorities into account when setting up the individual items in a Home Rules Contract. Some items that might be considered priorities, other than those listed below, might include profanity or abusive language towards other family members, homework issues for students with poor grades, and violent behavior towards family members, including pushing, shoving, and slapping.
A list of possible priorities to include
in a Home Rules Contract includes:

1. Curfew
2. Chores
3. School behavior and grades
4. Smoking
5. Telephone use
6. Computer use
7. Use of the car
8. Alcohol/drug use
9. Expression of anger or violence, including profanity
10. Conflict resolution (helpful when two siblings are at each other’s throats)
11. Running away
12. Medication issues and compliance (for those who take regular medicines, such as Ritalin)
13. Attendance at therapy sessions