By Barbara Desmarais
Have you ever questioned your parenting? Have you read a parenting book and then
said: “I’m doing it all wrong! Oh no! I’m probably ruining my child for life!” In the
eighteen years I’ve worked with parents I’ve concluded there are many “right” ways.
What’s right for me isn’t necessarily right for you and what’s right for your neighbor
may not be aligned with your values at all. The truth is, there’s a lot of “right” ways.
My guess is that the majority of you reading this aim to live in a home that is peaceful
and harmonious. You want everyone to get along, act responsibly, enjoy each others
company and be honest and loyal towards each other. You want love and respect
too, I’m sure. If you’ve accomplished all of that, then whatever you’re doing is right.
Ten different families who have all achieved harmony might parent in five different
ways but whatever they’re doing is working because the end result is positive.
If, on the other hand your home is chaotic, tense and hostile, something isn’t working.
It’s a sure signal that something has to change if you want to create harmony and
peace. What has to change? It could be that the parents need to re-evaluate their
relationship and work towards greater unity. It may be that your job is unsatisfying
and you need to re-assess if you’re really in the right place. If we’re unsatisfied at
work, we often take out our frustrations on our family. Maybe it’s that the kids are
over-scheduled and there isn’t enough time to breathe and just enjoy hanging out.
Maybe it’s that you’re focusing too much on what you don’t like and producing more
of the same, rather than being grateful for what you have. Maybe you’re a stay-athome
mom and you long to go back to work but feel guilty even thinking about it. If
we’re feeling resentment around being home we transfer that feeling onto our
families. Maybe you have a tense relationship with one of your parents and take out
your feelings on your kids.
Do you live in a household where you feel used and taken advantage of? If you do,
you’re likely to carry resentment around and lash out. Do you know that people only
take advantage of us if we let them? Did you know that our kids will test their limits all
the time if we haven’t made it clear what they are? Did you know that people won’t
respect you if you don’t respect yourself?
I’ve learned through the years that there simply isn’t a one-size-fits all solution to
parenting. We’re all different. What one family needs to do to create harmony may
be completely different from what another family needs to do. Many families have
learned all the “right” discipline tools but something still isn’t working. There is still
tension and animosity. I’ve learned that we always have to look at the big picture and
sometimes the solution is very simple. Positive results may not happen overnight but
once we’ve discovered what the core issues are things start to turn around.
Barbara Desmarais
Parenting and Life Coach
www.theparentingcoach.com
