What Can I Do When the Fighting Starts?
While it may be common for brothers and sisters to fight, it's certainly not fun for everyone else in the house.
And a family can only put up with some many conflicts. So what should you do when the fighting starts?
Whenever possible, stay out of it! Step in only if there's a danger of physical harm. If you always intervene, you risk creating other problems. Children may start expecting your help and wait for you to come rather than learning to work out the problems on their own. There's also the risk that you may unintentionally make it appear to one child that another is always being "protected," which could lead to more resentment. By the same token, rescued children may feel that they can get away with more because they're always being "saved" by a parent.
If you're concerned by the language used or name-calling, it's appropriate to "coach" kids through what they're feeling by using appropriate words. This is different from intervening or stepping in and separating the kids.
Even then, encourage them to resolve the crisis themselves. If you do step in, try to resolve problems with your kids, not for them.
What To Consider When You Do get Involved
* Separate kids until they're calm. Sometimes it's best just to give them space for a little while and not immediately rehash the conflict. Otherwise, the fight can escalate again. If you want to make this a learning experience, wait until the emotions have died down. * Don't put too much focus on figuring out which child is to blame. It takes two to fight — anyone who is involved is partly responsible. * Next, try to set up a "win-win" situation so that each child gains something. When they both want the same toy, perhaps there's a game they could play together instead.Recognize The Causes
There are many factors that lead to sibling rivalry. Some of the most common include: * Each child is competing to define who they are as an individual. As they discover who they are, they try to find their own talents, activities, and interests. They want to show that they are separate from their siblings. * Children feel they are getting unequal amounts of your attention, discipline, and responsiveness. * Children may feel their relationship with their parents is threatened by the arrival of a new baby. * Your children’s developmental stages affect how well they can share your attention and get along with one another. * Children who are hungry, bored or tired are more likely to start fights. * Children may not know positive ways to get attention from their brother or sister, so they pick fights. * Family dynamics play a role. For example, one child may remind a parent of a relative who was particularly difficult, and this may subconsciously influence how the parent treats that child. * Children will fight more with each other in families where there is no understanding that fighting is not an acceptable way to resolve conflicts. * Families that don’t share enjoyable times together will probably have more conflict. * Stress in the parent’s lives can decrease the amount of attention parents give the children and increase sibling rivalry. * Stress in your children’s lives can shorten their fuses, and create more conflict. * How parents treat their kids and react to conflict can make a big difference in how well siblings get along.
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