Now there are two parents to share the load, two parents to discipline, and often two sources of income.  Because the adults are in love and want to be together, they assume children also will welcome a newcomer. However, most single parents who remarry discover being a stepparent is not easy.   Although you want your new family to be just like everyone else’s, stepfamilies are different from first time families and pose unique challenges. It helps to understand what is normal in a stepfamily so that you can accept things as they are or make changes when needed. This article will present information that will help.

Most stepfamilies must deal with these problems:

Divided loyalties

It is common for children in stepfamilies to feel torn in their loyalty between their biological parent and their stepparent. A child who accepts or loves a stepparent may feel that she or he is being disloyal to the first parent.

Belonging to two households can be a challenge

Even if children only visit the absent parent, they belong to two households, with different rules, activities, and values. This frequently causes problems after a visit. You mayhear, “My real mom lets me do that.”

Building relationships is a must!

Parents want a stepchild to quickly feel love, trust, and respect.  These feelings often take years to develop. A child who’s pushed to express affection that’s not there may also feel guilty or pressured.

Stepparent discipline takes time and trust.

The new stepparent often feels that he or she can help a spouse by taking over some of the discipline. Most children, however, often resent stepparent discipline and say, or at least think, “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad.”

Being caught in the middle is common.

Parents feel great loyalty for their children, but also want the new spouse to feel like a “real” parent. For example, when a mother sticks up for her children, her new husband may get upset but when she lets her husband change the rules, her children may feel betrayed.

Discipline and Step Parenting

Here are some guidelines to make discipline work in your step family:

• Let the biological parent handle most discipline during the first few months and years. Children
  accept guidance and discipline more easily from someone they trust, love, and have lived with than from a newcomer. Allow the new stepparent to focus on building a strong relationship.
• Discuss rules and consequences as a couple. Talk about behavior problems and expectations with your new spouse. This allows the stepparent to be involved with discipline even though the biological parent deals directly with the child.
• Leave the stepparent in charge when the biological parent is gone. Tell your children before you
  leave, “I’ve asked (stepparent’s name) to take over while I’m away.” This helps children understand that the stepparent simply carries out rules both parents have agreed upon. If possible, wait until the biological parent returns to enforce the consequences.
• Remember that a stepparent’s ability to handle discipline improves with time. Allow time for a
  positive and loving relationship to develop before stepparents share equally in discipline. It may take longer with older children.

8 Factors To Consider While Step Parenting

1. Be realistic.  No family achieves all it’s goals or is alway happy.  Parenting is sometmes difficult work.
2. Give it time.   Building relationships sometimes takes years, not months.
3. Meet and talk to other parents in stepfamilies. Some churches and communities agencies have support groups.
4. Don’t demand that children call the stepparent “Mom” or “Dad.”
5. Read books and articles to learn about “normal” stepfamilies and develop patience.
6. Try to accept your feelings and gradually discuss them with your spouse.
7. Talk together about rules and consequences for children.
8. Get outside help. Talking to a counselor can help you deal with problems and build a strong, caring family.