Parenting children should include “Teen Dating” as one of it’s points of discussion. To avoid this discussion with your child prior to the “dating zone” time may bring about future challenges for the parent and child.

Family values, traditions and, for some families, religion, all play a role in helping a parent establish a philosophy on dating. Dr. Anita Gurian’s article, “Teen Dating,” not only poses some excellent questions for parents to consider regarding child behavior and dating, but some uncommon issues that may arise for you and your child while they are beginning to date.

Teen Dating

When should kids begin dating? Depends on who you ask. According to most child psychology experts, age matters. They believe that pre-teen girls and boys should participate in supervised group activities, such as roller skating, school dances or sports events, and movies. One-to-one dating is appropriate for older teens. According to parent polls, until age 16 kids should only be involved in group activities, with some saying that high school is the dating cut-off point. According to other parents, however, some 10 or 11-year-olds are going on one-to-one dates.Dating means different things at different ages.

Pre-teens (roughly nine through 12 years) may say they have a boy or girlfriend, but usually they go out in groups and spend individual time only in telephone or text messaging contact. Developing crushes is fairly common during this time and is part of beginning to learn how to interact with the opposite sex. A recent trend among pre-teens, however, has caused concern to parents and professionals. Physical and behavioral changes that would have formerly been typical of adolescents are now common among 8 to 12-year-olds. Pre-teens are acting more like teenagers; they listen to sexually charged pop music, play mature-rated video games, and spend time on MySpace. More pre-teen girls are wearing makeup and clothing typical of older girls. Some have been going on dates.”

 
Most teenagers are interested in dating, some earlier than others. In the early teen years, however, most don’t quite know how to date; they learn the give-and-take of relationships through practice. They test out various ways of relating to others, and, as they become more experienced and more mature, they can accrue many benefits from becoming involved in relationships. They learn about the ways of the opposite sex, practice social skills, learn to support each other, become interested in new interests and hobbies. Through relationships they figure out who they are and what they aspire to.

The Downside of Dating

Teenage dating also carries risks and can become hurtful. More than half of America’s teens know friends who have experienced some sort of dating abuse, while nearly three in four say that physical dating violence is a serious concern for their age group, according to a study conducted in 2006 by Teenage Research Unlimited in partnership with Liz Claiborne Inc. The study exposes alarming patterns of physical, verbal, and sexual abuse among teens in dating relationships.

Teens surveyed ranged in age from 13 to 18 and extended across all ethnic groups, cities, and suburbs. One in three teens reported knowing a friend who has been hit, punched, kicked, slapped, choked, or physically hurt by their partner, while nearly one in five girls admit they have been in a relationship where their boyfriend had threatened physical abuse if presented with a break-up. Twenty-six percent of girls said they have been in a relationship where they endured repeated verbal abuse by their partner, and 13 percent reported enduring repeated physical abuse. Some 80 percent of teens say they regard verbal abuse a “serious issue” for their age group. Nearly 73 percent said they would turn to a friend for help if they were ever caught in an abusive relationship, but only 33 percent of those who have actually been involved in or known of an abusive relationship said they have told anyone about it.

Dating Abuse via Technology was described in a 2007 survey by the research group cited above. Results revealed that an alarming number of teens in dating relationships are being controlled, threatened, and humiliated through cell phones and the Internet. Seventy-one percent of teens regard boyfriends/girlfriends spreading rumors about them on cell phones and social networking sites as a serious problem. Sixty-eight percent of teens say boyfriends/girlfriends sharing private or embarrassing pictures/videos on cell phones and computers is also a serious problem.

Cell phone calls and texting at unimaginable frequency mean constant control day and night. Nearly one in four teens in a relationship (24 percent) communicated with their partner via cell phone or texting hourly between midnight and 5:00am. One in three teens (30 percent) say they are text messaged 10, 20, and 30 times an hour by a partner inquiring where they are, what they’re doing, or who they’re with.

Cell phones and Internet have become weapons of teen dating abuse. One in four teens in a relationship (25 percent) say they have been called names, harassed, or put down by their partner through cell phones and texting. One in five teens in a relationship (22 percent) have been asked to engage in sex by cell phone or the Internet when they do not want to.

The survey also revealed that parents do not know that their teens are victims of physical and sexual abuse or about dating teens’ constant contact. Although they believe technology makes dating abuse more prevalent and more hidden, few are doing anything about it.

How Parents can Help Promote Healthy Relationships

By the time a child reaches the preteen years parents should have had the basic sex talk, and as they get older it should an ongoing rather than a one-time event. Children hear different versions of sex from their friends and the media so make sure they know the true facts. The conversation should not be solely about the mechanics of sex, but should also include the accompanying feelings. Teens need to be aware that relationships are based on the trust, mutual respect, and genuine intimacy that develop over time. Parents need to be clear about their values and what they expect from their children.
Parents’ relationships serve as the model for their children. When parents are compassionate and respectful of each other they convey their values to their children.

Parents should be available and supportive so their children are not driven to rely solely on others for support. At the same time keep in mind that adolescents are trying to become less dependent on their parents and allow them privacy. It’s a fine line.
Basic rules such as curfews should be established. Know who your teen is dating, where they’re going, what they plan to do, and when they’ll be home. Set up rules about computer use and online safety. Encourage children to invite friends to their home, but set ground rules about entertaining when parents are not home.

Answer questions directly and honestly as they come up. Your willingness to be open and truthful sets the standard. Don’t hesitate to let your teen know how you feel and what you expect. Be willing to listen and not judge.

Be alert to signs of an abusive relationship such as controlling behavior, belittling or verbally putting down a person, isolating her from friends, having a short temper, showing jealousy or possessiveness, pushing or slapping. Be aware of how your children use technology. Make sure they know they should come to a parent or other trusted adult if they feel threatened or oppressed.

Teach teens to trust their judgment and how to avoid unwanted sexual advances by stating a response such as “No” clearly and firmly.