Part of parenting and raising a child in a world that includes harsh and sometimes traumatic situations, involves preparation. A child’s development should include a parent’s recognition and prepared reaction that will assist the child and family during trauma. Dr. Caron Goode’s article, “Helping Children Cope with Trauma,” provides insights and solutions for parents who want to know what to do before a trauma occurs and how to help a child cope with the situation.
Helping Children Cope with Trauma
Whether a personal trauma or a national tragedy, like the one we have recently endured, our children suffer. Whether their suffering manifests as overt misbehavior or in quiet reticence, we can help children cope so they do not feel alone. While we cannot shield children’s innocence, we can help them feel safe.
Some symptoms of trauma are immediate and other symptoms may not show themselves for months or years. Because we care for our children, the task before us is to watch for symptoms and choose an appropriate response. Our responses may be verbal, but more often our assistance can simply be nonverbal and supportive.
A Classic Case of Trauma
I arrived early at school to organize my materials for the day. My classroom was across the hall from the school gymnasium and I went in to say hello to some students who were routinely dropped off when the parents went to work. The gymnasium was always open for these students, and the television was left on so they could eat their breakfast and entertain themselves under the eye of an instructional aide.That morning, the news on the Gulf War loudly blared from the television as it had for the past several mornings. I observed one of my seven-year-old students. His eyes were glassy. He was holding a piece of toast, but he wasn’t eating. He was staring at the television blankly. This went on for several minutes until I asked him to come speak with me. He said that his stomach and his head hurt. He wanted to go home, but knew he had to stay at school because his Mom was working. The circles under his eyes bespoke his lack of sleep. As we talked more about school, he said he flunked his spelling test, and couldn’t do his homework any more. I said, “Tell me more.”Given permission to speak about his problem, phrases tumbled out in disorder, and he kept talking for fifteen minutes. Finally he said his Dad had been shipped off to the Gulf War. I realized he had been listening to endless war stories for several mornings, and probably all afternoon and evening at home. He finally shared his innermost secret: that he didn’t want to sleep at night because he dreamed that his father died. And the dream repeated itself night after night, so he cleverly devised ways to stay awake. The television stories haunted his dreams and courted fantasies of personal loss.
I arrived early at school to organize my materials for the day. My classroom was across the hall from the school gymnasium and I went in to say hello to some students who were routinely dropped off when the parents went to work. The gymnasium was always open for these students, and the television was left on so they could eat their breakfast and entertain themselves under the eye of an instructional aide.
That morning, the news on the Gulf War loudly blared from the television as it had for the past several
mornings. I observed one of my seven-year-old students. His eyes were glassy. He was holding a piece of toast, but he wasn’t eating. He was staring at the television blankly. This went on for several minutes until I asked him to come speak with me. He said that his stomach and his head hurt. He wanted to go home, but knew he had to stay at school because his Mom was working. The circles under his eyes bespoke his lack of sleep. As we talked more about school, he said he flunked his spelling test, and couldn’t do his homework any more. I said, “Tell me more.”
Given permission to speak about his problem, phrases tumbled out in disorder, and he kept talking for fifteen minutes. Finally he said his Dad had been shipped off to the Gulf War. I realized he had been listening to endless war stories for several mornings, and probably all afternoon and evening at home. He finally shared his innermost secret: that he didn’t want to sleep at night because he dreamed that his father died. And the dream repeated itself night after night, so he cleverly devised ways to stay awake. The television stories haunted his dreams and courted fantasies of personal loss.
This student’s story is a classic example of a traumatized child gone unnoticed by traumatized family members, teachers, and others. During such times, children will feel great fear which may play itself out in wild imaginings and psychosomatic symptoms.
Children may feel that they will be separated from loved ones. Another common fear is that someone close to them will die. Then there is the expectation that such an event will happen again, without warning, shaking the very foundations of a child’s world and those around him on whom he depends for support. The expectation of a recurring event can turn into anticipation. Then imaginary scenarios can help children play out various coping roles. If children find no way to cope or to rehearse solutions in their minds, then helplessness, the deadliest emotion in its affect on our mental and physical health, can settle in.
Look for These Symptoms
Physical symptoms. Children most commonly experience stomach aches and head aches. Anxiety symptoms like heart palpitations or sweating can occur.
When I walk my dog in the mornings, she is hyper vigilant, watching for a quail or a rabbit and always turning over her shoulder to check things out. Our children’s animal nature for survival causes them to be hyper vigilant, creating a chronic stress condition.
Sleeping and eating patterns may change, and breathing patterns become shallow, short, and labored under stress.
Stress weakens the immune system and cold symptoms, low-grade fevers, and low vitality indicate children have moved from stress to distress.
Emotional and Mental Symptoms. Children, like adults, will feel numbed after trauma or tragedy. Without respite, numbness turns to dissociation, which is a normal coping strategy when things seem overwhelming. You’ll know if dissociation goes too far when children daydream for long periods, gaze into nothingness, stay glued to the television, seem mindless, or bury themselves in an activity for what seems longer than normal.
Other mental states like excessive worry or depression can easily follow distress and prolonged tension. Irritability, inability to concentrate, and forgetfulness are signs that the trauma is still impacting the mind and the body.
Look for aftershocks. As time goes on and your family life returns to normal, you may witness:
Explosive tempers
Quiet withdrawal
Recurring nightmares
The psychosomatic tummy or headache
A constant nagging irritability
These are normal. Children’s reactions to trauma become part of their emotional memories. A television show or scene, a harsh word, a piece of music, can trigger the memory and the stress symptoms recur.
What really matters is how an individual child reacts to stress. Some children rise to the challenges of life, while others are more sensitive and withdrawn. Overall, children are more susceptible than adults because their bodies and emotions are still developing. Their brain reacts differently to stress than a mature brain. A child’s body is not designed to endure prolonged trauma or stress. And the old belief that children don’t feel pain and won’t remember is a falsehood. Every trauma and stress becomes an implicit memory in our nervous systems and cells.
First and foremost, a child’s needs are for two things: feeling safe and having a routine. Having a routine can be as simple as continuing to walk the dog or eating the same meal together. All of the suggestions listed below relieve stress in the body, help to prevent disease, and enable children to feel safe on the inside, when we can’t control the outside. Giving children the ability to make a choice about their feelings restores some sense of control in an overwhelming world.
Caron Goode’s (EdD) insights are drawn from her fifteen years in private psychotherapy practice and thirty years of experience in the fields of education, personal empowerment, and health and wellness. She is the author of eight books (www.inspiredparenting.net ) and the founder of the Academy for Coaching Parents,(www.acpi.biz) a training program for parents & professionals who wish to mentor other parents. A mom and step-mom, she and her husband live in Whitney, Texas. Reach her at caronbgoode@inspiredparenting.net.
