Larry loves his child and only wants what’s best for her. But he finds himself in many power struggles not because he’s overly controlling or malicious, but because he’s inexperienced. This first-time parent doesn’t know how to go about guiding and influencing his child positively, so out of desperation he resorts to power plays which he can’t win.
Power struggles are common growing pains in parent-child relationships. When they rage out of control, however, they can destroy the relationship. Do all you can to resolve them peacefully, even if it means backing off temporarily. Trust that if you let go, your children will come around to your way of thinking or behaving. Miraculously, they almost always do. That’s the paradox of power struggles!
How to resolve emotional battles between you and your child
A power struggle might occur when a parent insists that her child eat her peas and the child refuses. Or a struggle might repeat itself each morning when Mom, feeling pressured to get out the door, yells, “Get dressed right now or I’ll be late for work.” Instead of quickly jumping into his clothes, the child dawdles.
Another battle could take place when Dad demands his daughter change her hairstyle before going off to school. He orders: “You’re not going to school with your hair looking like that!” The daughter balks: “It’s my hair–I can do whatever I want with it.” She digs her heels in, Dad does the same, and a battle is underway.
If these situations sound familiar, don’t despair! Read on for the best ways to resolve power struggles in your home.
In a power struggle, a parent’s demeanor may be tense (clenched teeth and disapproving looks) or loud and insistent (yelling and sometimes screaming). The child reacts with either silent resistance or a more vocal “You can’t make me.” Whatever behaviors the parent and child fall into, the result is the same: When the power struggle is over, both sides are overly emotional and exhausted, and nothing has been resolved. Neither parent or child emerges a winner, and the same struggle might repeat itself the very next day.
WHY POWER STRUGGLES OCCUR
So, why can’t children simply do as Mom and Dad say? After all, parents know what’s best; they’re older, wiser, and more experienced in life. Unfortunately, it’s not that simple. A natural tension exists between parents and children. Parents have the responsibility to guide, influence, and control their children. Children, on the other hand, have the urge to be in control of themselves.
When children are little, parents are able to exert more power, but as children mature and learn to manage themselves, parents must gradually let up on the controls. In some families this turnover of control from the parent to the child occurs with ease and grace. In others, parents have difficulty letting go, so even the simplest task–brushing teeth, getting dressed, going to bed, doing homework, completing chores–can explode into a huge battle of wills. Of course, parents do need to have reasonable control and influence over their children. But power struggles aren’t going to accomplish that! The next time you find yourself in a power struggle, back off temporarily, then develop a plan for the most effective, positive way to influence your child. Next time you’re locked in a battle of wills, consider the following three options for resolving the power struggle:
- OPTION #1: Hold on. Sometimes in a power struggle, particularly if it involves your child’s health or safety or your family’s values, it’s appropriate to hold onto your parenting controls. For instance, insisting that your children wear seat belts even when they protest. Or, if church attendance is part of your family’s values, taking your children every Sunday, even when they throw a temper tantrum, pout, or complain.
- OPTION #2: Negotiate, compromise, offer choices. In some situations, it’s appropriate to let up, allowing your children to grasp the controls of their own lives. In the middle of winter, Carly insisted on wearing her bikini swimming suit to preschool. Mom’s initial response was, “No way.” After a brief battle of wills, Mom and Carly managed a compromise. Carly ended up wearing tights and a turtle neck shirt with the bikini on top.
- OPTION #3: Let go, drop back. In some situations when parents inappropriately try to overpower their child, it’s necessary to let go of control. If you’re too domineering about what your child eats, it’s best to back out of the power struggle. No parent can control what a child swallows! This last option is the most difficult, because you feel like you’ve lost, but often when you back down, the child miraculously comes around to your way of thinking or behaving.
Other factors to consider:
- Once you’ve decided which option you’ll use to end the power struggle, it’s critical to set aside your out-of-control emotions and take on a decisive, matter-of-fact attitude.
- In order to learn to manage themselves, children need to be given reasonable opportunities to manage their environment. Parents can offer children choices and the chance to make decisions appropriate to their age and development–decisions that won’t jeopardize their safety or the family’s values.
- The two-year-old can decide whether to wear the Mickey Mouse shirt or the Tarzan shirt. The preschooler can decide whether to eat eggs or yogurt for breakfast. The ten-year-old can decide how to arrange his bedroom and spend his allowance.
- Parents can always offer advice, but children should be allowed to make some decisions–particularly ones obviously important to them–on their own. When parents permit children to make these little decisions, children are usually more willing to go along with the big decisions parents make regarding safety, health, and values.
- Before making a decision for your child, ask yourself, “Is this a decision my child could make for herself?” If your answer is “yes,” allow your child to make the choice. By doing so, you reduce the chances of enduring frequent and passionate power struggles.
- Many parents know instinctively to let up on controls as their children navigate the developmental years. Others, however, don’t have the experience or instincts to do this and find themselves in constant emotional battles. Read through the profiles below to see if you might be a parent prone to power struggles.
- PARENTS WHO ARE PERFECTIONISTS
Jane insists on having things done a certain way. She’s rigid when it comes to what her children wear and how they organize their bedrooms. One of her children is compliant and does exactly as Jane demands, the other challenges her rigidity. Parents who are perfectionists constantly find themselves in emotional battles with their children.
- PARENTS WITH UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS
Mark expects his toddler to dine in restaurants. It’s unrealistic to think a toddler will sit respectfully in a restaurant for than an hour when at home he sits to eat for no more than 10 minutes. Many power struggles occur because parent’s expectations for children are beyond their developmental capabilities.
- PARENTS WHO WANT THEIR CHILDREN TO DO AS THEY DID
Jim was a Boy Scout and wants the same for his son. Sometimes children do follow in a parent’s footsteps without any struggles at all, but Jim and his son Jason are headed for a power struggle over Scouting because Jason’s natural interests lie in chess and computers.
- PARENTS WHO ARE INEXPERIENCED
Power struggles are common growing pains in parent-child relationships. When they rage out of control, however, they can destroy the relationship. Do all you can to resolve them peacefully, even if it means backing off temporarily. Trust that if you let go, your children will come around to your way of thinking or behaving. Miraculously, they almost always do. That’s the paradox of power struggles!
