Unplugging Power Struggles

2008 January 28 by: Scott

Larry loves his child and only wants what’s best for her. But he finds himself in many power struggles not because he’s overly controlling or malicious, but because he’s inexperienced. This first-time parent doesn’t know how to go about guiding and influencing his child positively, so out of desperation he resorts to power plays which he can’t win.

Power struggles are common growing pains in parent-child relationships. When they rage out of control, however, they can destroy the relationship. Do all you can to resolve them peacefully, even if it means backing off temporarily. Trust that if you let go, your children will come around to your way of thinking or behaving. Miraculously, they almost always do. That’s the paradox of power struggles!

How to resolve emotional battles between you and your child

A power struggle might occur when a parent insists that her child eat her peas and the child refuses. Or a struggle might repeat itself each morning when Mom, feeling pressured to get out the door, yells, “Get dressed right now or I’ll be late for work.” Instead of quickly jumping into his clothes, the child dawdles.

Another battle could take place when Dad demands his daughter change her hairstyle before going off to school. He orders: “You’re not going to school with your hair looking like that!” The daughter balks: “It’s my hair–I can do whatever I want with it.” She digs her heels in, Dad does the same, and a battle is underway.

If these situations sound familiar, don’t despair! Read on for the best ways to resolve power struggles in your home.

In a power struggle, a parent’s demeanor may be tense (clenched teeth and disapproving looks) or loud and insistent (yelling and sometimes screaming). The child reacts with either silent resistance or a more vocal “You can’t make me.” Whatever behaviors the parent and child fall into, the result is the same: When the power struggle is over, both sides are overly emotional and exhausted, and nothing has been resolved. Neither parent or child emerges a winner, and the same struggle might repeat itself the very next day.