Does yelling at children really get them to do what you want? parenting can be difficult. It often becomes even more difficult when you lose control and begin yelling. On the other hand, yelling can relieve stress?? Most parents do not like to yell at their children. The feeling of becoming overly emotional; about something that can’t be controlled often leave parents feeling frustrated and defeated. Author and child development expert, Wouter van der Hall, is a feature author at ScottCounseling.com and has provided an artcle to help parent sort out the real truth behind the question…
Does Yelling Really Work?
If you have never yelled at your kids, this article is not for you.
Or, you are all still here?
Yelling is a very common way of dealing with our children, whether we like it
or not. Is yelling effective? It depends what you want to achieve, really.
Sometimes, yelling out is the right thing to do. Like when your child is about to
cross the street in front of a car or doing something else that can endanger them
right now. You are trying to break into their mind for a fraction of a second to stop
them.
Otherwise, most of the time yelling is less about our kids than about us. We are
angry, frustrated, feel powerless or simply fed up. Our patience is shattered and
we simply burst out in loudness, in yelling. Our kids are experts at getting us that
far. They have been watching us all their life and know exactly what button to
push to bring that out, whether they like it or not.
Why do we do it?
Because at that moment we don’t know how to either push them away (leave me
alone, I need space) or get them to listen when they don’t do what we want them
to. We don’t have other tools to deal with the situation.
Why do they do it?
Our kids can push us for many reasons. Sometimes to get what they want,
whether it is attention or to get you to give up your resistance to what they want
from you. Sometimes they don’t know, especially as their hormones are flying all
over the place. Then they don’t have the tools to deal with things differently.
Do you think it works?
In general yelling is a quick release for you that can build up all kinds of negative
effects. Kids can learn to fear you because you are the adult out of control and
they don’t know what else you will do. They can do things because you yelled,
but basically that is only short term and creates resentment, they don’t learn what
you want them to learn from your yelling. Like how they may take out the trash,
but the sharing of tasks together part doesn’t click in very well. They hear the
yelling, not the message, however positive that message may be intended. And
you? You will likely feel a brief flash of power and then guilt will sink in quickly
again. Until the next time you feel pushed over the edge.
What can you do different?
1. Be responsible for your own feelings: if you are angry, that is your issue,
not theirs, you have to solve it, not they. (It can be that you are angry at your
spouse, your boss, your parents or at life in general or because you didn’t get
what you wanted when you were young. That is your stuff, not your kid’s.
2. Yes, take a breath, step away, count to ten and think about whether you can
act as a parent, without anger, frustration, resentment. Just ‘stepping out’ gives
you an opportunity to break the tension that is building up inside. Use this break
and check yourself out before you go back: can I do this without immediately
flipping out?
3. If you do flip out, stop and apologize. say something like “Sorry, that is not
the way I want to talk with you. I need to cool off and we’ll talk about this later”
and then go and cool off!!
4. Think about what triggers you and try to find new tools to deal with
situations that trigger you like that. We all have buttons that others can push.
If we get to know them, we can get a better handle on how react and even realize
that your child is not the same as the one who helped you get so sensitive about
that.
Do you want to do it differently?
I know you want the best for your children and yelling is not your best. They want
you to help them grow up and be confident, trusting adults. By taking your own
responsibility and aiming to change from yelling to solving things more positively,
you help them, not just now, but for a life time. Step by step, practicing and
getting better at it over time.
You will have a lot more fun together, too.
And isn’t that what you really want?
Wouter van der Hall is the Author of The Parent Program and a parenting and
happiness coach. Wouter has worked with parents and children for decades both
in Europe and North America
Theparentprogram.com will give you easy access to positive parenting
attitudes, tools and skills. The Parent Program is a 15 minute a day email/web
based parenting program. You will feel more relaxed, confident and competent
as you deal with parenting issues. 24/7 accessible at home and anywhere, so in
your time, pace and comfort. To help you become the great parent you can be.
